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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
7:23 pm - I feel horrible in so many ways
I'm feeling downish and tired, and I'm feeling sick. It feels as though I have a fever, and I can feel a headache coming and then start to ebb away. I think I'm going to go take a nap. Not in much of a mood to update or to be around anyone. I'm just trying to feel better so that this headache doesn't grab a hold of me.

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Saturday, May 24th, 2003
10:49 pm - Feeling bored, so I took some pics:)
I have nothing better to do. I am bored out of my mind and since I hadn't posted any pics in my lj before I figured I'd do so now.

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8:05 am - I'm feeling sleepy
I don't want to go to work:( I went to bed late last night chatting with a friend (3 AM). Now I wish that I had taken off to bed earlier than this. It was very hard for me to get up this morning.

MSN instant messenger is annoying the hell out of me lately. I think I'm going to stop using it as much. Lately I keep getting porn ads on MSN messenger, invites to chats and stuff. The problem with this is that I have MSN plus, which records all of my convos, and it saves all of these annoying messages. I had to delete 132 of these stupid chats yesterday and I already have a bunch more to get rid of.

Ugh...I'm going to finish getting ready for work...I'm running late here.

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2:20 am - :(
days like today I realize just how much I need to change about my self as a person.

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Friday, May 23rd, 2003
10:51 pm - Hey...has anybody heard this song before?
It's on the Power Ballads compilation CD...it's called "I'll See You in my Dreams" by Giant. It is the saddest love song *sigh*:(. For some reason I can't find any info on this group or the song on Kazaa and I don't know of anybody who has heard it. I love this song, even though it's sad. You know I'm in a sentimental mood when I pull out this CD. Anyway, I'll do my best to get the lyrics here..hopefully I won't goof on them.

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current mood: melancholy

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Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
12:45 pm - Feeling very lonely today for some reason:(
Hopefully that will change

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Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
9:48 pm - I am feeling troubled by a situation with work....
I honestly don't know what to do. Recently my friend Vanessa mentioned that sometimes she will use a fake number to give customers a 20% off employee discount. She says that the reason she does this is because sometimes customers don't want to spend a lot of money and she'd rather give them a 20% off discount than lose a big sale. She knows that this is a form of theft, but does it anyway.

Then about a week ago Vanessa told me that she needed seven valances to cover one of her windows and told me that she was planning to mark them down to 77 cents so that she could buy them cheaply. Two of the colors in the Lisette collection were discontinued and the valances marked down to 77 cents, so she thought nobody would pick up on the markdown. I told her not to do it and she told me that I was right and put them back.

Today Stacy told me that Vanessa marked down a toothbrush holder and shower curtain for 77 cents each and I saw that merchandise in the stash of items that she is planning to buy. Lately the managers have been in a rush to get clearance and discontinued items out of the store, so they have been marking a lot of items down to 77 cents. I guess she thinks that she can mark them down and nobody will pick up on it. I honestly don't know what to do about this. I pulled Laura aside today and told her about the associate discount and the marked down items. She adviced me to talk to Carol, the security manager. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. I wish that I wasn't in this position.

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2:26 am - I deleted my friends only post from last night
I wrote it mainly because sometimes you just have to lay things out to think about them, but when it comes down to it you know what to do and not to do in certain circumstances without the input of others. Just thought I'd let you guys know in case you came looking for it (Hope).

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Friday, May 16th, 2003
11:46 am - I stole this from sullenfaery
I'm bored and need something to do

last cigarette: never smoke except for a couple of puffs that I took from a cig when I was 14 or 15

last car ride: when I came home from work yesterday

last kiss: October:(

last good cry: last night

last library book checked out: wow...I don't think I've checked out a book in about 6 years...I have no clue what it might have been

last movie seen: Phone booth

last book read: Don't remember...prolly something by Mary Higgins Clark...I used to love her books

last cuss word uttered: Bitch...maybe Fuck...I dunno

last beverage drank: Water

last food consumed: Sausage Omellette

last crush: where do I begin...;)

last phone call: Vanessa

last tv show watched: Port Charles

last time showered: a few minutes ago

last shoes worn: my old, comfy, slip-on keds

last cd played: One of the Now compilations(sp)..I think it was Now 5

last item bought: hmmm...if I'm not mistake it was the photo printing paper to make my mom's mothers day gift

last downloaded: don't remember

last annoyance: hmmm...can't recall..although I get annoyed a lot

last disappointment: something one of my friends told me

last soda drank: Ritz Pineapple-Orange

last thing written: I think it was some numbers that I needed at work to make tickets

last key used: register key at work

last word spoken: hmmm...I don't remember the exact word..but the last thing I did was ask my dad why he let me oversleep this morning

last sleep: From about 2 AM-10:15 AM today

last im: Dean

last sexual fantasy: hmm...it involved two guys;)...that's all I'm going to say;)

last weird encounter: hmmm....can't remember any at the moment...

last ice cream eaten: Heath ice cream from Ben & Jerrys

last time amused: long story...Vanessa's bf called work to talk to her...Stacy spoke with him for a couple of minutes because he is trying to hook her up with his friend and was grilling her about her feelings for him..Vanessa got jealous of her bf talking to Stacy and asked him "are you fucking her?"...when Stacy found out about this she was PISSED and just her expressions cracked me up

last time wanting to die: never wanted to die.

last time in love: I am absolutely in love with someone right now..but we are not in a relationship (just friends), and I don't know that we'll ever be anything more than friends...sooo

last time hugged: last week at work...Laura was in the mood to give everybody "squeezies"

last time scolded: a few days ago at work

last time resentful: tuesday I think...work related

last chair sat in: my computer chair

last lipstick used: Mystic Mauve from Max Factor...my signature lipstick

last underwear worn: navy blue bikini that I am wearing now

last bra worn: see through white bra with white flowers

last shirt worn: my pj top...actual going out kind of shirt that I wore was a button up lavendar top

last time dancing: I don't dance

last poster looked at: I don't have any posters hanging in my house, so prolly something online or at the mall

last show attended: hmmm...I can't recall

last webpage visited: livejournal

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Thursday, May 15th, 2003
11:22 pm - I just feel so blah tonight
I'm just depressed. I had someone get mad at me over the dumbest shit, and quite honestly I am tired of it. It's not like I'm a mean and uncaring person. I try to listen, I try to be there and be a good friend, but how the fuck am I supposed to know every little thing that bothers everyone? If I knew the different things that people are sensitive to I would try to be understanding, but I don't think it's fair to have someone jump down my throat and cuss me out just because I don't realize how upset they might be feeling about something. I'm just tired of being treated like shit.

I don't know...I guess I'm just feeling very uncared for tonight. I try to be nice to people and it seems like it gets me nowhere. I don't even know why I bother trying to build friendships with people when it seems like I can't do anything right. I just end up feeling hurt and rejected because I don't understand what it is about me that people don't want to be around or that pisses ppl off.

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
6:48 pm - I'm going to miss the daytime emmys now *sniffles*
lol. I'm going to be missing the daytime emmy awards now that I'm back to working on Friday night. It's prolly for the best because now I can come home and fast forward through the 3 hour show. All that I care about is seeing if Port Charles wins. I LOVVVVEEEE that show!

I am surprised that PC got as many nominations as they did with them only being a half hour show and having so many alternative characters like vampires, angels and the avatar. A lot of people knock the show for having supernatural characters and storylines, but it works because the characters are WELL DEVELOPED. If you watch Passion you will see that they have hokey supernatural characters. The characters are stupid not because of the supernatural elements, but because ALL of the character, even the mortal ones, are cartoonish. I love PC because the characters are fleshed out and there is drama and passion and all of that good stuff;)

I was a huge General Hospital fan in my teens (when Antonio Sabato Jr was on), so I began watching Port Charles when it spun off of GH. I lost interest in PC because it was a boring medical drama. Yeah, it had it's interesting moments, like the General Homicide murder mysteries, but overall it was boring. Then Michael Easton came aboard as Caleb the vampire and he a lot of elements that the show was missing. He quickly became my favorite and I would watch the show just because of him and the vampire storyline. That is still the only reason that I watch and I really hope that PC wins for best drama because I feel like this show is sorely overlooked.

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6:31 pm - I'm so annoyed
Laura just called me. David added me back to the schedule for Friday and wanted to let me know. However, the reason that David added me back to the schedule was not because he realized how assholish it was for him to take me off in the first place, but because I guess he was hoping that by adding me back to the schedule I would be willing to work a different schedule for tomorrow. *sigh*

Ever since Vanessa got back from maternity leave she has requested to work days only. That is unfair to the rest of us who have to work mid-day or closing shifts most of the time now. I would like to go home early every once in a while too. Tomorrow was supposed to be my once in a while. I was so happy to be working 10-5 PM because at least I got to go home somewhat early. Well, now they want me to work
1-7 PM. It's not that bad, but it's annoying because I never get to come home early. And it also annoys me because when I ask them to work with my schedule on anything they don't do it, but when someone quits or calls in and oh shit they are in trouble, then I have to work around them.

Oh well. At least now I have my Friday back. I really needed those hours for the extra money. I guess I need to just stop complaining and do my best to be a helpful employee. The only way that I will get the hours I need is by being flexible. It just pisses me off that they never work with me on my schedule.

The other night I talked to David and I asked him why he took me off of the schedule for Friday. He said that I was "fussing" about my schedule so he took me off altogether. I told him that I had no problem with closing, but that I just couldn't leave so late. He told me that he scheduled us all late as "punishment" because the night that Vanessa and Diane closed on a weekend the place was a mess with displays being messed up and they didn't straighten anything and now he wants to make sure that we stay til it is nice and neat. Considering that Vanessa might only close one night a week, Saturday, if that much, I don't think it's fair to punish the rest of us who do the displays and fix everything and keep it nice and orderly by making us stay late. IMO, punish the person who screwed it up. Make THEM stay late. Oh well. That's my rant:( Diane quit today and she was a highschooler who worked closings so with my luck I'll prolly have to close even more now:(

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Monday, May 12th, 2003
11:56 am - I am just feeling sad and lonely today
I don't know what the heck my problem is. I guess it's a combination of work problems and just personal stuff.

I hated this weekend. Yesterday nobody was around due to Mothers day. Everyone was with family celebrating and whatnot. I was off and I spent most of the day just bored out of my mind. I made a gift for my mom, but we didn't go out or do anything special. As predicted, she wanted to spend mothers day at church, soooo...

My mom and I have never been friends for some reason. Yeah, we care for each other and would prolly do anything for one another, but we are NOT friends. I feel like total strangers know more about me than she does. And why should I tell her anything when all she does is disapprove of others and what they do with their lives? I just feel like she is so judgemental, so antiquated(did I even spell that right?) in her views, and whatnot.

It's not like I was ever a terrible person or someone who wanted to do bad things growing up, and yet she never gave me even an ounce of trust or space. Whenever my friends had a bday party or something she would ALWAYS want to tag along, so I would refuse to go or stop getting invited to things altogether.

Growing up I was always given speeches about how "a decent young lady" is supposed to act. For example, if I laughed too hard instead of being happy that I was happy she would tell me how unladylike it was to laugh so heartedly. Or she would try to drill into my head how wrong it is to even KISS someone outside of marriage (whatever *rolls eyes*)...stupid things like that. Like you see on tv when kids talk to their moms about sex or about their crushes or parents accepting things that they otherwise wouldn't approve of, like interracial relationships, just because it makes their kids happy, but I feel like I could never come to my mom and talk to her about ANYTHING. She doesn't care about my happiness AT ALL...all she ever cared about was trying to get me to live out her ideal of what a perfect girl is like. I have lived with her all of my life...I have known her longer than I have known anyone else (other than my dad:-P), but she is the person who knows least about me. Heck, I planned a trip to Canada in October and everyone knew about it but I didn't tell her about it til a week before I left and then it was only because she saw my suitcase and asked if I was planning to go somewhere. But she still doesn't even know the reason for my trip, who I was going to visit, where I stayed...NOTHING.

Since we are on the subject of my mom and how even though we love each other we don't get along, let me tell you the mother of all mommy dearest stories....

When I was in high school I was studying for finals and my dog was due for her checkup. My mom offered to take her to the vet for me so that I could continue studying. I thought that was very sweet of her and I thanked her for it. A couple of hours after taking my dog to the vet she returned home without the dog. When I asked her where Ruffles was she told me that the vet told her that a rough spot that Ruffles had on her leg was cancer and they would have to put her down. She told me that they had to leave her with the vet to be put down. I was crushed and sad at the thought of not being able to say goodbye to Ruffles. I called the vet, honestly believing that my mom had to leave her behind to be put to sleep, in hopes that they hadn't done the procedure and I'd be able to go in and at least say g'bye. When I picked up the phone to call the vet my mom got a nervous look on her face. When I asked the receptionist if my dog was still there she told me that they hadn't see my dog in a YEAR. I got off of the phone pissed and asked my mom where the hell my dog was. She told me that the dog wouldn't sit still in the car so she made my dad pull over at Animal Care and Control and abandoned her there! I don't think I have ever been as furious with her in my life. Here I was devastated thinking my dog was being put to sleep and I wouldn't see her again, and all of this time Ruffles was at the pound! I made my dad drive me there to pick her back up. It was a good thing that I got there when I did because I arrive right after they had closed and the guy who worked there said that Ruffles would have probably been transferred to another facility or put to sleep if I hadn't gone to get her when I did.

But yeah, getting back to the original point of this post...I've just been feeling down since yesterday. I haven't talked to some of my best friends in days and I always get saddish when that happens. And the work situation isn't helping. I can't believe that David removed me from the schedule for Friday and only gave me 27 hrs. He knows that my dad is retired and that I need the money to pay my bills and help them out. I feel like David is playing hardball and trying to let me know that it's his way or the highway..that I either work the hours he wants me to or I don't work at all. I just don't think that's fair because I always work around him when he needs me. It wouldn't have cost him anything to just compromise with me and shave a couple of hours off of my Friday night. Oh well. Anyway, I'm going to go finish getting ready for work *cries*

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Sunday, May 11th, 2003
7:52 pm - The Survivor finale is about to come on!!
I am looking forward to seeing it. This is one of my favorite seasons of Survivor. IMO, it is the closest to the first season with all of the backstabbing and whatnot. I really hope that Matthew wins. I think that he deserves it. They have wanted to kick him out from the beginning and back then he wasn't in any kind of an allience. He had to kick ass and work on his own merits to stay in the game. I think he deserves it.

I think that Matt and Rob will be in the final two. I don't think that Rob deserves to win. Yeah, he has played the game good in terms of deceiving ppl and manipulating things, but he is NOT a Survivor. That is the thing that pisses me off about this game. A lot of times people win not because they are Survivors, but because they know how to play people and fly under the radar. A lot of times someone will win simply because everyone hated them and they somehow managed to make it to the final two. If the jury salutes Rob on his ability to play the game and make him the winner instead of making Matt the winner for actually winning the challenges and being in the game because he DESERVES and has worked to be there then I will be pissed. Heck, I am still pissed about the second Survivor where Tina beat Colby. Colby was the ULTIMATE survivor...he won everything...he kicked ass...and yet they gave the money to Tina because even though she didn't do jack shit she still managed to get to the end.

Oh well...let me shuddup now. I have to go watch my show:D

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6:28 pm - I am seriously thinking about giving my two weeks notice
The other day when I arrived to work I looked up my schedule and saw that David scheduled me to close on Friday night at midnight and open at 7:30 AM the next morning. This really upset me because everytime that we close late on Fridays and open early on Saturdays (for special sales and stuff) he schedules me and I told him that I can't work those unreasonable hours because I live far away and it is hard on me. With him scheduling me to work til midnight on Friday I prolly wouldn't get home til almost 1 AM, and then I'd have to leave the house at 6:45 AM to get to work by 7:30. That only gives me 5 hrs and 45 minutes of home time in which to sleep, eat, shower, get dressed, etc. I can't do it. I don't think anybody can.

I never complain about my schedules. I never give David a hard time about anything. The only thing that I have ever asked of him is not to schedule me like that because I can't handle it. And I know this sounds wierd, but in a way it does hurt me that he does this because I am always very responsible when it comes to work. I always show up on time...I always stay late if I need to...heck, sometimes I've had to be there at 7:30 AM and stay until after 9 PM because someone hasn't been able to make it, and I am the ONLY one who does that. Nobody else ever works with them when they need someone. Even they have said it. That is why it upsets me that he can't work with me on the one thing that I ask him. And it's not like I ask him to schedule me this way for frivolous reasons..I do it because I honestly can't work schedules that close together. And it upsets me that when the same people who stand him up..the ones that I always have to cover for...ask him for any time off or for a set schedule he ALWAYS give it to them. Yet he never gives me the one thing that I asked for.

Anyway, the other day I left David a note telling him flat out that I don't intend to work til midnight on Friday. That I will be out of there by 10 PM because by then everything there is to do will be done. Well, I guess that he is upset by my telling him how I feel about him not working with my schedule because he took me off the schedule for Friday altogether and left me at just 27 hrs. He knows that I can't afford to live off of 27 hrs...he knows that I need at least 30 hrs to remain eligible for my benefits. I guess this is his way of telling me that it is his way or the highway. I just don't think it is fair for him to treat me this way. Why couldn't he just change my schedule for Friday so that I got off at 10 PM? I wasn't asking for anything unreasonable. I always fucking put THEM first. I am very responsible about my job and whenever I ask for them to work with me on anything they don't. I am just getting sick of it.

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3:27 pm - Today is pretty boring even for a Sunday
Nobody is around anywhere. Nobody on AIM...not many people on LJ. I guess it's just dead because of today being mother's day. Oh well.

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11:55 am - I straightened my hair this morning:)
I was beyond tired of the perm I got a while back and wanted my hair straight. I love straight pretty hair. I just don't have the time or patience to straighten it with a straightening iron because that takes too long and my arms hurt afterwards. I thought of going to the salon and having them do one of their relaxers on me but they charge over $300 for it! No way was I paying that much. A pack of dark and lovely works JUST as well, so I bought one and did my hair this morning. I am pretty happy with the results. Now I just have to get it trimmed a bit.

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11:55 am
Feeling kinda saddish again for some reason

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Saturday, May 10th, 2003
8:18 pm - *sigh* I'm bored:(
I got home from work about an hour ago and now I am just sitting here bored. I am so tired that I don't feel like doing much at all except vegging out. Hopefully I'll be able to find the tape that my mom used during her vacation in the Canary Islands so that I can make screen caps from it and print them out. I thought it would be a nice surprise if I can get those done by tomorrow. I just wanted to do something sentimental because she will probably like it. Buying my mom something is usually a waste of money because she never likes or appreciates anything (the reason why my dad never buys her gifts anymore). Ideally what I would have liked to do was take her out to the zoo or to Lion Country Safari and then go out for dinner, but I learned at a young age that my mom would rather spend mother's day at church than with me sooooo....

I just hope that I can find the tape from her vacation so that I can get her surprise ready. If not I have a plan B in mind;)

Last night Jose quit:( Even though he was grumpy at times, I think that I am going to miss him. He was a nice guy and a dependable and conscientious(sp) coworker. The only thing that I didn't like about him was that he had an unpredictable personality...you never knew what mood you'd find him in (a good mood if he is getting along with his wife...a bad mood if he wasn't). Jose liked to joke around with people a lot, but when you playfully teased him about anything he'd get mega offended. At first it would hurt my feelings because I tried to be friendly by teasing him and depending on his mood sometimes he would get a big attitude for no reason. Then one day he got upset because he thought we were making fun of his bald head and we weren't and I told him that I was tired of him always getting pissed at us for no reason when he was the main one who always liked to mess around. After that he chilled out. I am going to miss him. He quit because Laura was a bitch to him again for no reason. That chick has developed a MAJOR attitude problem. I really don't consider her a friend anymore. Ever since she broadcasted my private business to people that I don't even know and humiliated me I haven't talked to her the same way or contacted her outside of work. It just upsets me because I took the effort to build a friendship with her when she was going through hard times and needed someone to listen. And I have never betrayed her by repeating what she has told me no matter how upset with her I might be.

In other news, the puppy is doing well:) She is sooooo sweet:) I love having her around. I still don't know if we are going to keep her, but I sure do like her. I find that animals love so unconditionally. That is what I like about them. They are always happy to see you...they always run up to you for some affection...I think an animals love is prolly the closest thing to God's love that I'll ever find on earth because no matter what I do my cat will always love me:-P

Well, I guess that it's. I don't have much more to say. It's hot. I'm tired. I miss having Gary at work to bug. I am happy cuz Dean and I are getting along A LOT better:-D I might go to Sea World next Saturday. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Oh yeah! And I am looking forward to the Survivor finale tomorrow:-D I hope that Matt wins:)

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Friday, May 9th, 2003
12:06 am - I had such a eventful night
My parents picked me up from work tonight and as we were turning out of the parking lot onto the street a girl ran the red light and hit us. Luckily we saw her heading toward us and braked so we only got hit a little. It was okay. We were okay and thankfully our car was okay as well. The girl was tearing up and instead of being pissed we were like "girl, don't cry"..lol. That's just how I am. I feel bad for people who start getting all sad and scared and teary...especially cuz we were okay. My mom however is so mean...she was like, "do you know her from work?" and when I told her no she asked me why my dad and I were being so nice to her *rolls eyes*. I just didn't see the point in being a bitch to the girl over an honest mistake if nobody was hurt.

But yeah..the night got even more eventful. As we were nearing the intersection that is located in the sugar mill area my dad merged onto the right lane and I saw an animal crossing the street. From far I couldn't make out what it was, but I told my dad to stop so that he wouldn't hit it. When we drove past it and I looked out he window I saw that it was a puppy:( A lot of people ditch their dogs there because it is a secluded area and they often end up getting hit by cars. The poor puppy started running after our car and I made my dad stop so that I could get her...heehee. She is the SWEETEST puppy! Pretty too. I'll have to take pics of her and put them here. I've been wanting a puppy for a long time now and I'm so happy to have this one to enjoy. I don't know if I'll be keeping her, but I'm going to at least keep her long enough to find her a good home or a no kill animal shelter.

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